I don’t know how many of you are aware of this, but there’s a Presidential election coming up. Did you know???? I certainly didn’t!!!!
Okay, facetiousness aside, there’s no getting around the fact that this has been a very stressful year for anyone who would rather the world not burn down. Between the Flaming Racist Cheeto on the GOP side and all the people STILL not sure they aren’t capable of voting for an overwhelmingly qualified woman over said KKK Cheezit Stand-In on the other, the rest of us residing in Sane World are stressed, worried, angry, upset, depressed, and more. You name it, I’ve felt it over the last 10 months, and I’m sure most of you have as well.
So I figured, with nary two weeks to go before the battle ends and the war begins, we could all use a little levity in our lives. With that, I wish to present to you a useful little looking glass through which to view the events of the 2016 Election; what if all the major candidates, be they primary or general, were living in the world of One Piece and had their own Devil Fruit powers?
The list that follows is by no means complete, but it should serve as a decent starter set for anyone looking for a little fantastical escapism to make the next week and the years of aftermath we will all have to deal with a little more palatable. Enjoy!
Gary Johnson- Bara Bara no Mi (The Section Fruit)
Much like the Sectioning power of Buggy the Clown, Gary Johnson and Libertarianism may seem actually quite intriguing and useful from a distance. However, it soon becomes apparent that simply dividing yourself up into tiny, separated sections to avoid actual harm inevitably results in nothing more than a pile of hapless body parts scattered across the sand, flopping uselessly in the wind.
Carly Fiorino- Sube Sube no Mi (The Slip-Slip Fruit)
What better power for this former business exec to have than the ability to make anything and everything, even serious allegations of being terrible at business, just slip off her like they never even happened?
John Kasich- Moku Moku no Mi (The Smoke Fruit)
Like having the power to turn yourself into smoke, John Kasich seemed like he could be quite formidable, but, as we all learned, it only takes a few puffs of wind to make smoke dissipate forever into the atmosphere.
Ben Carson- Nemu Nemu no Mi (The Sleepy Fruit)
Be honest- what else would you expect Ben Carson’s power to be?
Martin O’Malley- Iro Iro no Mi (The Camouflage Fruit)
O’Malley may actually have already acquired this Fruit ability in real life, as he displayed an extraordinary tendency during the DNC primary debates to blend seamlessly into the backgrounds behind him. And like a camouflaged chameleon in the jungle, everyone promptly forgot he was there.
Jeb Bush- Doru Doru no Mi (The Wax-Wax Fruit)
Much like the wax figures at Madame Tussauds, Jeb looks great from a distance, but get closer and you soon notice the unreal, plastic sheen covering his body. He also quickly starts to melt when directly exposed to heat.
Chris Christie- Gasu Gasu no Mi (The Poison Gas Fruit)
This one requires bystanders to exercise a particularly high level of caution. Get too close, and a mere breath from Christie is enough to infuse your lungs with his deadly, contagious poison, from which there is no recovery.
Marco Rubio- Suna Suna no Mi (The Sand Fruit)
Like the sand this Fruit allows you to control, Marco Rubio hails from Florida, is irritatingly dry, gets everywhere (since he’s never present in the Senate), and his one, true weakness….is water.
Ted Cruz- Awa Awa no Mi (The Soap-Soap Fruit)
Like a bar of soap in shower, this man is slippery as fuck. And if he gets out of hand and ricochets off the wall hard enough, he may kill you.
Bernie Sanders- Bomu Bomu no Mi (The Bomb-Bomb Fruit)
What other power could I have given The Bern? Cross him, and he will strike by making any part of his body, even his boogers, or his wild, wind-strewn hair, swell and explode with his righteous fury.
Donald Trump- Yami Yami no Mi (The Darkness Fruit)
There are a lot of terrifying and horrid powers in the One Piece world that would be a good fit for this pusillanimous, pulsing, pitiful excuse for a human, but for this list, I settled on the Darkness Fruit, with its destructive Black Hole-like powers. For like the wretched Blackbeard himself, Trump has already evinced time and again his horrific capacity to absorb everything he touches into the nothingness of his being, and then spew it back out as a garbled, shit-filled mess.
Hillary Clinton- Naiya Naiya no Mi (The Diamond Fruit)
You ain’t gonna leave no scratches on this woman, because there ain’t nothing in the world harder than a diamond. And if you don’t watch out, you gonna get cut, cuz diamonds are NASTY sharp.